Good Enough - A Sanctuary fanfic

Disclaimer: I own nothing!
A/N: one of those ideas that popped into my head and wouldn’t leave until I wrote it down.

Helen Magnus walked down the stairs of the living quarters of the Sanctuary, early one Sunday morning hoping to get a good breakfast before the early business of the rest of the day set in, if not a good breakfast than at least a decent cup of tea.
Helen was half way down the stair case when she found Kate Freelander unconscious at the bottom of the stairs, Helen frowned and raced to the bottom of the stairs to her friend’s side and tapped her face gently “Kate? Kate?” she tapped her face again, genuine concern marred the face of the British born brunette.
Kate groaned slightly and started to wake just as Helen was getting ready to check for a pulse, “hmm…Hey boss, what happened?”
Helen smiled softly despite the situation “you took the words right out of my mouth.”
“Did I pass out again?” she was still on the floor.
Helen frowned “again? Why didn’t I know of this?”
“I…” Kate closed her eyes again, “never mind” A woman like Helen wouldn’t understand.
Helen nodded there was no pressure to talk, if Kate wanted to talk she was here and Kate knew it, it was hard to be a woman in this house sometimes with all the testosterone “okay, let’s get you upstairs, hmm? You’re probably just exhausted from all the travelling” Three time zones in two days would do that too you, Helen knew it was something else but she wasn’t going to get into it if Kate didn’t want to.
Helen helped Kate up the stairs and back to her bedroom, the girls don’t talk until Helen helped Kate into her bed and felt her forehead “you don’t have a fever, how are you feeling?”
The younger woman shrugged and reminded Helen of Ashley when she didn’t want to admit to anything especially when something was wrong “fine. I guess.” She played with the edge of the quilt.”

“Do you need anything? Want anything?”
“I don’t want to bother you.”
Magnus sat on the edge of the bed briefly “you aren’t bothering me, please? I want to help you.”
“Some water maybe? I know your busy its okay, thanks.” She went to get up and get it herself when her knees went weak.

Helen barely caught her and laid her back down in the bed “okay, whoa! Rest. Please Kate?”

Kate nodded and swallowed.
“Okay I’ll be right back.” She promised and turned on her heel to leave

The 25 year old bit her lip “I gained weight,” she said so suddenly that Kate wasn’t even aware that she spoke.

Helen looked back to Kate and raised an eyebrow “repeat that?”

“I…I gained weight, 3 pounds.” She bowed her head “I’m really sorry. I totally understand if you want to take me off the mission list until I lose it”
Helen was going to laugh until she realized how serious Kate was, Helen never noticed a weight gain and even if she did it wouldn’t have been anything to be worried about, “you’re beautiful Kate, you don’t need to be worried about anything like that.”

“You’re being nice, I’ve really let myself go, and I can’t keep it under control,” she gave Helen a notebook from her bed side table, in it was every work out regiment, everything she ate and all of her weight gains and losses since she was fifteen. People in third world countries ate more than she did some weeks.
Between dance classes and fighting classes and missions and the gym, all Kate did was work out and keep fit, Helen never said anything because everyone had their own little idiosyncrasies and hobbies they did on their downtime. Helen’s for example was always work, work, work. “Can’t keep what under control? Tell me. Please?” Helen half begged.

“Everything.” Kate suddenly spilled out “I’m never good enough, I’m not tall enough, I’m not beautiful enough, I’m not religious enough, I don’t speak enough languages.” She wiped her face “I’m not Indian enough, so I “act” white, than I’m not white enough. I’m not girly enough, I’m not tough enough.” Tears started streaming down the more she talked “I’m not quiet enough. I’m too dark, not smart enough, I study and I study and I fail. I’m not rich enough, not poor enough, and not fast enough. ” she coughed “it’s like…The weight was the only thing I could control and even that’s a losing battle.” She wiped her face “it’s like...Why do I bother? Why can’t I just be good enough? Why can’t someone just look at me and be like ‘Kate, I love you for you. I love you completely and totally you and wouldn’t change anything.’ Why can’t I be good enough?” she started to shake.

Helen engulfed the younger woman in a hug, she had no idea that she thought about those things, she had no idea that Kate thought that she wasn’t good enough. How little did she know about her employees that a red flag didn’t pop up? “Katie, honey, you’re more than beautiful. You’re more than perfect. You’re intelligent, gorgeous, and no one is perfect at being everything, but to be quite frank you’re damn good at being Kate Freelander and there are plenty of people on this planet who think that that’s pretty good.”
By this point Helen was on the bed with her back against the headrest, Kate’s head on her shoulder, Helen found herself brushing her hair with her fingers, “are you one of them?” Kate asked quietly “please don’t lie, just tell me honestly.”

“I wouldn’t have said it if I didn’t mean it, I know that saying what I said isn’t going to cure all, but believe me when I say, that I am here for you, Katie, we all are. All right? Please?”
“I…I don’t want to be like this anymore, I want to be able to look in the mirror and like me for who I am. I want to be able to like me for me. Love me...I want to accept that I am good enough.” She wiped her face “God I sound like an after school special.”
“There’s nothing wrong with that, this has been a long time coming for you according to the book you just gave me. It’s going to be a lot of work, Katie, and I have no idea where to start. But I’d love to help you if you let me, we can get you professional help.”
Kate thought about it for a minute “I can’t...”
“Don’t worry about it financially. The only thing you have to worry about is getting better. To not rely on this anymore.” She played with the notebook on the other side of the bed “deal? You just have to worry about Kate.”
Kate nodded “I...yeah” she nodded again and wiped her face “I’m sorry about all of this. Thank you though, for not freaking out or anything.”
Helen nodded and kissed her hair motherly “I am right here, I’m not going anywhere,” Helen made good on that promise, and didn’t go anywhere from Kate’s room for the rest of the day; the girls caught up, laughed, talked, cried and for the rest of that Sunday. It was good enough.

NaNoWriMo and Why am I doing this?

SO out of everything that is going with me personally: a close and dear friend moving to Zurich (who I am extremely proud of), me trying to go back to college (again, I'm doing it properly this time though, I promise, and I swear to God if something happens and I have to drop out this time, its not in the cards for me to get a higher education) -- So on top of being married and dealing with everything that life seems to throw at me, I decided to do something called NaNoWriMo in November -

it's official I'm certifiable.

I'm trying to outline my novel and do all this research now so all I have to do in November is: Write! Write! Write! accept I got into the first 3 chapters of the outline and well...I"m blank, I'm at this weird juncture where it's like...Who the hell cares...As usual I think it's back to square one.

Should I stop?

Am I completely certifiably INSANE for doing this?

Is this realistic?

Or should I just give up?

Here's the thing though, every time I decide to give up writing, every time I realize that: it's quite literally like giving up breathing, it's like...Dying...And then the good little lapse Catholic girl reminds me that suicide is a sin and I think we all know I sinned enough as it is.

Writer's Block: News development

What's the first major news event that you remember hearing about as a child? Where did you learn about it? How did it impact your world view?

I think it was the Oklahoma City Bombings, was the first major one that I remember about. I remember thinking about how all the evil in the world that I read in books, and reminded myself that could never exist in real life, actually did exist and it scared the hell out of me.

Writer's Block: Brush with stardom

Have you ever stumbled across a celebrity in your daily life? Was it more or less exciting than you would have expected? Do you have any interest in meeting media stars?

I used to security for an event security company in Toronto, we did security for the Much Music Video Awards and a whole bunch of rather large shows, Toronto Film Festival is another large one we do. So I had a chance to meet a few big celebrities.
the biggest one that stood out in my head is Rhianna, she wanted to talk to my supervisor about my amazing performance and offerered me a job on her personal security detail; It was nice to know that was doing such a good job that she noticed.
and no, I'm not working for Rhianna's security detail.


I have realized that I needed to finally listen to D and take care of my health.
Things got scary recently; I've almost passed out a few times, all the cramps have been putting my back into seriously jeopardy. I can barely walk, sit or stand for too long with out feeling it in my back.
I'm terrified, I can actually feel my iron levels dropping and I know because of all the bleeding because of my cycles I know I'm becoming anemic.
It scares me when my husband has to tell me not to do a load of laundry because he doesn't want me passing out in the laundry room in case something happens to me and I who knows when I'll be found.
I had to take some time off of school to figure out what was going on, I couldn't risk passing out in class anyway, imagine how bad that would be? God I can't even imagine. *>.<*
I put my symptoms in the symptom checker at and I got three really general 'diagnosis' one of them being a Urinary tract Infection (UTI) and the like...The fourth one came up with endometrial cancer...That one freaked me out. But, wouldn't I know something serious like that by now? After all the tests that I had?
It took weeks, but I got stuff with school settled, they thought that it was a financial problem, and was trying to figure out a way to help me financially with school, it was a sweet gesture, and I started to tear up. Seeing those students on a day in day out basis 5 days a week since September, I miss them a lot! At the risk of sounding corny, I hope they know that.

creatively stunted

Lately I've been creatively stunted and I don't like it.
Normally between: short stories, random lengths of other personal fiction, school, blogging and fanfiction I always have a blank word document open on my mac...But, lately, thats just it. Lately its just been a blank document with that stupid incessant blinking of the cursor, if it had sound I swear it would be laughing at me. Mocking me.
*frowns* I don't like it that either.
I hope this changes for the better, sooner or later - I've had two pieces of fanfiction and a short story/novella piece I had to put on hold because of this little...creative mind block.
I really don't like this at all. *sigh*

A girl thing.

Something that I always seemed to envy about women in general is their confidence and their self esteem,
Especially in older women. they seem to excuse this air about them that people seem to be attracted to.
They aren't all caught up in knowing what Cosmo is telling them about: the new pair of Jimmy Choos, or how to heighten our own orgasm and what food to cut out to get that beach-boadaceious body.
I've always been told that confidence like all good things come along with age (yes because apparently we are all fine bottles of wine.)
We all know that there isn't a book on how to do the 'girl thing' right.
But, what if there was?
I'd like to add a few things to that:

1) Stilettos are bad for the back and knees

2) Stilettos give the optical illusion of a longer, slimmer leg, a smaller foot, and a greater overall height. They also alter the wearer's posture and gait, flexing the calf muscles, and making the bust and buttocks more prominent.

3) The G-spot is not a myth!!!

4) Although girls some how convince themselves that a size double 0 is the hottest thing on the run-way, a man likes a woman with curves.

5) pole dancing is a great way to not only build confidence in the bedroom, but, it would also give you a great: ab, leg and butt work out. (I haven' tried this one yet, cause Lord knows that putting the girl who walks into parked cars on a stage with a pole isn't the brightest idea in the world!)

6) Its okay to get dirty once in a while - weather its; in the garden, doing an art project or a dirty martini with extra olives.

7) faking ANYTHING (orgasms included!) are major turn offs for men, and according to cosmopolitan magazine: most men would rather be told they are bad in bed then lied to about it.

8) Blondes may have more fun, but them majority of women on earth are brunettes

9) self realization: I love food way to much to cut anything out of my diet - and if you don't like, go eat something ;)

10) No matter who you are or what age you are we all have our hang ups; some of just love them better than others!

What about you? have anymore you'd like to add? feel free!

political me?

I'm not sure what this means exactly, but so far this year (lol 12 days in) I have found myself getting more and more into the community and what is going on around me. Not just as a fellow torontonian, but as a Canadian as well. I've been invited to quite a few protests and talks in the upcoming months, and I'm looking into volunteering at a few agencies in regards to some causes I support. I wonder why? is there a reason? does their have to be? doesn't it seem kind of odd that I just woke up one morning and went 'hey! that don't seem right! I wonder if I can do soemthing about that?!'

Writer's Block: Do (political) opposites attract?

Are there any political issues, such as abortion or capital punishment, that are so fundamental to your core values that you could not respect and/or trust someone who held a contrary view?

Not really...The one thing that I really have a problem with are those 'pro-life' 'anti-abortion' people who get really violent towards the doctors who do the abortions and to the women who look after those clients.
How can you call yourself pro-life and then try to kill or harm or kill someone???
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Chick-lit and Chick-flix, got this chicky thinking

The last three books that I have read/and am reading for that matter: have all been considered "chick-lit".

For those who are reading this and don't know what "chick-lit" is, my I introduce you to:

okay now that I got that out of the way, I could explain a bit better with what is going on. Normally when I go to my neighborhood bookstore, I am one of of those readers who scour the shelves and look for something that gets my attention, not necessarily on the best sellers list (as I proved if you have read my WEREAD reviews on facebook) anyway, the last three books that I have read (okay I lead the first one in the pile that got me thinking isn't chick lit. what-the-fuck-ever, lol)

Have got me thinking. Thinking hard. and I'm not sure if I like it or not.

in these books: THE GUM THEIF by Douglas Coupland NAPPILY EVER AFTER by Trisha R. Thomas and currently reading: PS I LOVE YOU by Cecilia Ahern

have strong female characters in it who at one point or another in the piece of literature, do something to drastically change their lives (okay to be fair in P.S I LOVE YOU she didn't have a choice, but, imo she comes out to be the stronger woman for it.).

In THE GUM THIEF; Bethany, the 24 year old goth chick who was still living with her mother and working at staples, dropped everything and went to England, granted she ended up missing home and going with a loser, but the point was that this was her goal and she went for it. She broke out of her mundane point A point B life and did something that she desperately needed and wanted to do! and of course in the midst of her little adventure, she grew up along the way and became a young woman, instead of the child she ached to be.

in NAPPILY EVER AFTER: Venus was sick and tired of the chemicals seeping into her brain and her bank account seeing red after all those Saturday's getting her hair done, so it would bounce like the little white girls in her neighborhood. So, naturally, Venus, shaved her hair clean off, and got rid of a crappy boyfriend, who refused to propose. Although she had to deal with the whole shock of "oh my god, Venus, what did you do to your hair!" It some how gave her this courage, to be her own woman, and to force her to be herself and not her hair (can I get an Amen!!!)

and of course finally in PS I LOVE YOU: okay, I'm not as far into this book as I should be, to feel comfortable enough talking about it, but, I have seen the movie. Holly has to deal with the untimely death of her husband. And, she has to simply survive. She has to pay the bills and get out of bed in the morning when all she wants to do is stay in bed all day and cry and grieve for her beloved. but, she does it. and again, this has made her a better woman (again I assume, cause I'm not that far into the book - lol!)


So, what is the point of this rambling? No, they are just book reviews. (although I do recommend all three), the point is....the point is what? Ah, the point is that they made me re-evaluate my life, they made me think, what the fuck am I doing with my life? - can I survive if I ever (god forbid) loose my husband? do I have the guts to shave off all my hair, and have a 'take me or leave me' ' I am not my hair' India Arie moment? can I quit my job (oops I'm not employed), okay but can I drop everything and go to a country on my list because I'm sick of this mundane every dayness that we call life?

In the Julie and Julia movie with Amy Adams and Meryl Streep, Julie had admitted to finding love and a some what inner peace or joy from cooking and reading about Julia...ALthough I do love..okay baking not cooking, I can't see myself cooking through all of the "the joy of cooking" in a year and blog about it (sorry, to admit it but it'd probably be one or the other folkes)

Could I do that? would be possible for me to find inner piece and joy or some semblance of who I am by a hobby? Could I knit my way to a heightened self-confidence, flambe self-esteem, grow a sense of humor in a flower pot?

Is it possible to figure out who you really are, or a part of who you are, by a plane ticket? or a flick of the page in a recipie book? or a text book?
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